tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34184457469415736442024-03-13T11:02:16.365-04:00Parenting & the Older Adopted ChildThis blog serves as a source of inspiration for parents of children who were adopted at an older age, or who have advanced in age from when they were adopted. In doing so, the blog's purpose is to educate in highlighting the viability, necessity, and gratification in adopting older children.
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-9234388703462174162019-02-01T21:25:00.002-05:002019-02-01T21:33:00.978-05:00"...and So It Goes" - Part 3 (of 3)<h2 class="entry-tout">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IdyQqhJl_zE/XFT-NLNkN_I/AAAAAAAAApA/YV8NqlN1b1YM9O2fOQT_KPMyZacPH_88QCLcBGAs/s1600/index.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IdyQqhJl_zE/XFT-NLNkN_I/AAAAAAAAApA/YV8NqlN1b1YM9O2fOQT_KPMyZacPH_88QCLcBGAs/s200/index.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-weight: normal;">With my older son away at college, I’ve been
heartened by the maturing and strengthening of the bond between us
despite his “new normal.” Still, I sometimes lapse into moments of
self-reflection as to our earlier years of attachment struggles, further
reassuring me with hope for the future and our relationship<span style="font-size: small;">.</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></h2>
https//www.adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-bonding-home/and-so-it-goes-father-of-college-student-reflects-older-childs-transition-to-family-attachment-struggles/?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feb19<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9YiH8FhRTFw/XFT-dqaAY_I/AAAAAAAAApI/B7yp5A6KlCc40XM6PvlQLjbZO1qqLdeWwCLcBGAs/s1600/matloff-teens-difficult-bonding-readjustment-after-college-transition-700.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="700" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9YiH8FhRTFw/XFT-dqaAY_I/AAAAAAAAApI/B7yp5A6KlCc40XM6PvlQLjbZO1qqLdeWwCLcBGAs/s1600/matloff-teens-difficult-bonding-readjustment-after-college-transition-700.png" /></a></div>
<br />
<b>While making my older son’s bed before he was due home from college
for Thanksgiving break, it was as if time took a backwards swing. I last
made his bed the night before I left for Brazil to <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/older-child-teen-adoption-fine-line-between-letting-go-being-let-go-college-transition/">meet him and his brother, then twelve and nine years old</a>. Eight years later, still the same one, but the bed’s comforter is now worn and faded, and flaccid to the touch.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>From the start, Matt was excited to have his own room, his own
personal space unlike anything he ever had before, but its subdued
environs were anything but tranquil for him. For the first few years,
Matt only used his room during the day; at night he slept on the spare
bed in his brother’s room. Unspeakable, blurred <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/single-dad-adoption/">memories of his earlier childhood seemed to scream the loudest during the stillness of the night</a>.
Soft music playing on the radio and nightlights were mainstays in
getting him to sleep on his own. And he’d incubate himself each night
with his comforter, as if it were a cocoon, only to emerge anew,
unharmed, the next morning.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>During the day, Matt enjoyed the solitary confines of his room as a
quiet place to play with his Legos, draw, and listen to the radio—but
only of his own volition. As I shared in my memoir, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/See-Tomorrow-Reclaiming-Beacon-Hope-ebook/dp/B00GI6CRJM" target="_blank"><i>See You Tomorrow…</i></a>,
timeouts in his room only added more fuel to his over-heated fury, like
a caged animal consumed with his desperation to escape. Many hours were
spent trying to stop him from punching more (or bigger) holes in the
walls and doors and talk him down. An hour could go by with my keeping a
secure hold on him, still <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/talking-about-adoption/older-child-adoption-finding-missing-piece-disappointment/">struggling to calm and relieve him of his fright</a>
and narrow-minded focus on wanting to flee. “When you are able to speak
in a calm voice…” “be still…” “talk to me…” were phrases I’d repeat
over and over like a broken record that would eventually subdue his
hostility and aggressive posturing.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Even when I wasn’t the target of Matt’s enraged behavior and hostile
attitude, I often felt used, as if I were there simply for his
convenience—to give him money, drive him around, and keep things going
according to his schedule. With the wearing down of my stamina, I began
to feel numb inside, feeling little or nothing for him at times. How
could I when his wall of defenses seemed impenetrable, and he seemed
determined to keep me on the periphery?</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>And yet, I <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/just-say-yes-positive-parenting-defiance-challenging-teen-behavior/">went through the motions</a>;
I strove to be “there” for Matt, just as I strive to be “here” for
Lucas, now a sophomore in high school. I attended his events, asked for
his input on family matters, threw out <a href="https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-middling-effect-of-the-hit-and-run/" target="_blank">hit and run</a>
tips in efforts to guide him, and gave him kudos for any good deeds or
accomplishments. I tried to maintain a precarious balance in negotiating
Matt’s earlier history of relationship disruption and <a href="http://www.adoptioncouncil.org/files/large/74006f69a8fa720" target="_blank">staying tuned into and accommodating his need for control.</a>
But a year or two before Matt left for college, there seemed to be a
lightening of his mood and more purposeful effort on his part to relate;
it was as if <a href="http://www.chicagonow.com/portrait-of-an-adoption/2014/11/playing-behind-the-scenes-life-as-a-single-adoptive-father/" target="_blank">seeds that were sowed and nurtured over the years</a> began to bloom.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/older-child-teen-adoption-college-transition-new-relationship-letting-it-be-part-2/">We were bonding again</a>,
and memories of any past misgivings would be waylaid at the mere sight
of him, fronted by his broad smile. When I picked Matt up at the
airport, I got a real hug, and we chatted the whole way home in the
car—a half an hour! And he didn’t just chat with me; he was forthcoming
with everyone throughout the weekend. He also was interested in
partaking in whatever was on the agenda, even volunteering, without any
ulterior motive, to go with me on a run to the grocery store.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Sadly, even with the strengthening of his relationship with me, Matt
and Lucas had grown more distant over the past year. While they embraced
when they first met up again, relations between them continued to stall
over our long weekend together. As if the brothers had traded roles,
Lucas now seemed circumscribed to lurking in his brother’s shadow. When
they first came from Brazil, Matt’s adjustment difficulties were more
readily apparent than his younger brother’s. With his speech impediment,
it was tougher for him to learn English and express himself. Lucas had
no such trouble, becoming functional with the English language in just
two months and well-known and regarded for his articulate, outspoken
ways soon after. Over the past year, however, Lucas had been struggling
in school, and become more isolated and withdrawn. There were times he
seemed unnerved by his own life’s sour turn in contrast with his
brother’s newfound confidence.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Throughout the break, I’d catch Lucas staring at his older brother at
times, as if daring him to unleash his angry side. In contrast, Lucas
had always kept his true emotions hidden beneath his outward charm and
the intensity, depth, and sharpness of his intellect. With Matt, I
endured years of his self-righteous indignation, harsh verbal lashings,
vicious slamming of doors or pounding on furniture—but at least he
expressed his anger. Perhaps feeling freer with his brother away, Lucas
has been expressing his anger more directly, even explosively.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Unlike his brother’s extroverted ways, Matt was fine with leaving
others in doubt as to the profundity of his awareness, wit, and insight.
He also was quick to claim indifference rather than risk failure and/or
rejection for his efforts or interests. Where his brother positioned
himself as the authority on all matters of the world, Matt tended to
shrink back for fear that he couldn’t compete. The obvious strengthening
of Matt’s self-confidence, not to mention his willingness to put
himself more “out there,” has been nothing short of miraculous. Even his
speech seemed clearer and more intelligible, and I wasn’t the only one
who noticed. He <i>cares</i> now; he was afraid to care before.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>And just like that, the weekend was over and I was back at the
airport with Matt for his early flight back to school, where I again
choked up. As I reached to hug him goodbye, the familiar wave of longing
flooded my emotional bearings and I felt myself folding like a house of
cards. Though it might have been hard to see through my own tears, I
believe I saw a glint in his eyes as well before he hastily turned away
and made a beeline for the terminal’s entry doors. But I was “fine”; I
had already been through this and will undoubtedly do it again a
countless number of times.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>On the drive home, ignoring the empty seat beside me, I recalled how I
had found Matt that morning, fast asleep in his bed with his comforter
covering him from head to toe. “Still?” I thought, surprised at first.
But as I gave it some thought, I wondered about what really mattered in
the grand scheme of life. Old habits might die hard, but perhaps
understandable when their initial function was so fundamental. I guess
no matter how things might change for the better, there still are
rudimentary needs deeply ingrained and influenced by life’s experiences.
Even if it sometimes means heeding the urge to take cover under the
reassuring, protective folds of one’s security blanket.</b><br />
<h5>
GARY MATLOFF, PH.D., is a licensed psychologist and nationally
certified school psychologist. He adopted nine- and 12-year-old brothers
from Brazil as a single father, and chronicles his family’s story in
his memoir, <i>See You Tomorrow . . . Reclaiming the Beacon of Hope</i>. Dr. Matloff has also been published in <i>Kveller</i>, <i>parent,co</i>, <i>Adoption Today</i>, <i><a href="https://www.apa.org/index.aspx" target="_blank">APA</a> Monitor</i>, <a href="https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/resources/adoption-advocate" target="_blank">National Council for Adoption’s <i>Adoption Advocate</i></a>, and <i>Portrait of Adoption</i>. Find him online at <a href="http://drgarytheadoptiveparent.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">drgarytheadoptiveparent.blogspot.com</a> and <a href="http://psyched4kids.com/" target="_blank">psyched4kids.com</a>.</h5>
<h2 class="entry-tout">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></h2>
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-80241585668182141962019-01-26T13:43:00.002-05:002019-01-27T17:38:10.005-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fAMlu8lnvw8/XEyrclm_anI/AAAAAAAAAog/F00gb9B0zXUHpyeQQelBuEjItnzxIi-BgCLcBGAs/s1600/chW.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="110" data-original-width="463" height="75" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fAMlu8lnvw8/XEyrclm_anI/AAAAAAAAAog/F00gb9B0zXUHpyeQQelBuEjItnzxIi-BgCLcBGAs/s320/chW.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">"Because they have likely had multiple disappointments in their lives, older children may take longer to form deep and enduring attachments. The older child is at the time of adoption, the more likley it is that he or she has experienced not only rejection but also insecurity related to multiple foster care placements and temporary relationships. He or she may feel unlovable or dispensable as a result and question your
commitment and the permanence of the adoption <span style="background: yellow; mso-highlight: yellow;">(Matloff, 2014).</span> This can cause your child to
actively resist your affection or test you to make sure your love is real and
permanent (Kupecky, 2014). This may come in the form of angry outbursts or withdrawal.
It is important to recognize these behaviors as a process your child needs to
work through and not take them personally."</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Helping
Your Child Transition from Foster Care to Adoption: a Fact Sheet for Families</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: large; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">via the Children’s Bureau: Child
Welfare Information Gateway – July, 2018</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: large; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Courtesy of: Matloff, G. (2014) The Joys and Challenges of Parenting Older Adopted Children, <i>Adoption Advocate, 77. </i>Retrieved from the National Council for Adoption website (http://www.adoptioncouncil.org/publications/2014/11/adoption-advocate-no-77</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: large; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-80175900113452152572018-11-29T16:49:00.001-05:002018-11-29T17:01:13.208-05:00<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">"...and Letting It Be" - Part 2 (of 3)
</span></b><br />
<br />
<header class="entry-header"><h2 class="entry-tout">
<a href="about:invalid#zClosurez" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Image result for adoptive families magazine" border="0" class="rg_ic rg_i" id="G945lt9JwqM-oM:" src="data:image/jpeg;base64,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" style="margin-top: -26px;" /></a>
<span style="font-size: large;">When I adopted my two sons eight years ago, they
couldn’t separate themselves fast enough from their “old” life in
Brazil. As I prepared to visit my oldest son two months into his “new”
college life—a lifetime for any freshman—I wondered to what extent he
might have compartmentalized his now “old” family life.</span></h2>
https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/older-child-teen-adoption-college-transition-new-relationship-letting-it-be-part-2/</header>
<br />
<div class="entry-thumbnail">
<img alt="author Gary Matloff visiting his son, adopted as an older child, as a freshman at college" class="attachment-post-thumbnail size-post-thumbnail wp-post-image" height="400" src="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/matloff-father-son-college-transition-letting-go-part-2-700.png" width="700" /> </div>
<h5>
<i>A continuation of: </i><a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/older-child-teen-adoption-fine-line-between-letting-go-being-let-go-college-transition/"><b>“The Fine Line Between Letting Go and Being Let Go”</b></a></h5>
Even though my older son, Matt, mostly kept to himself in the house,
with his younger brother, Lucas, the chatty one, a deafening silence
permeated the atmosphere upon our return home from dropping him off at
college. The air in Matt’s room seemed especially lifeless—though not
for long. Lucas didn’t waste any time seeking out his brother’s room for
his personal study and music space. “Just hear me out,” he teased,
though I could see there would be no talking him out of it<br />
Stifling a roll of my eyes, I listened and offered a few ground
rules: he must keep his brother’s room neat and use it only for
homework, studying, and practice. I drew the line at his request to
rearrange the furniture, reminding him that nothing was to be “changed.”
If not for his brother, then for me… at least for now.<br />
<br />
And though <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/adopted-child-going-off-to-college/">waves of emptiness would wash over me</a>
when I’d least expect, I rode each wave back to life as the new normal.
Lucas maintained his ambivalence toward his brother, and I quickly
learned to sidestep his impassive stares of “So?” or sarcastic retorts
of “good for him” to any tidbits about his brother.<br />
<br />
Though contact with Matt was sporadic, and about what he needed from
me at first, he also called with news, like “I got a B on my first
college essay” or “I got the (part-time) job,” as he was expected to
take financial ownership of his casual social activities. He even
summoned me for a Facetime chat to “meet my new roommate” when his first
roommate didn’t work out. Texting still was his contact of choice, such
as announcing, “Just ran my first five-mile race and did pretty well,”
or sending a picture of himself with the caption, “Made my costume for
the renaissance festival.” These random reach outs more than made up for
not hearing from him for days at a time, or his minimal (if at all)
responses to my texts and care packages.<br />
<br />
I still treaded carefully, not daring to tease too much from him.
Conversations were mostly one-sided; he would determine their focus
before saying an abrupt “Byeeeeee” to signal that he was done. He never
asked about our lives on the home front, as he ordinarily <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-bonding-home/adopt-an-older-child-anger-issues/">avoided expending emotional investment in others</a>—perhaps
for fear that he wasn’t worthy enough for the sentiment to be returned.
It was still his way; as such, he’d primarily seek me out for my
approval and validation for his <i>“Good</i> <i>Job!”</i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<br />
<b>The college’s family weekend</b> was fast approaching, but it was over a Friday and Saturday; it would be difficult to take off work that particular Friday <i>and</i>
I had tickets for Lucas and I to see Phil Collins that evening,
purchased months before. Disappointing one son over another was not an
attractive prospect. Never mind that I had waited only a few decades to
see Collins in concert and it wasn’t likely I’d get another chance. To
further help my cause, I’d gotten mixed reviews about these college
family weekends in general, and Matt didn’t seem all that excited about
any of the activities.<br />
<br />
I offered to visit the weekend he had his fall break instead, but I
was taken aback when he announced that he was going to his
“girlfriend’s” house, and he’d “had these plans a long time. I am going
to New York,” he decisively stated. I struggled to nurse my bruised
feelings and remind myself that it wasn’t about me. Still, I persisted
with my ongoing drive to expand his awareness of others’ feelings. It
was a familiar <a href="https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-middling-effect-of-the-hit-and-run/" target="_blank"><i>hit and run</i></a>
plunge for me—I’d dive in with my point, break into the murky waters of
his egocentrism, and swim decidedly to shore. I told him that I felt a
little “yucky” about his lack of interest in my coming to visit, but
that I’d be fine with whatever he decided: having me come up the second
day of the family weekend or come for the extended fall break weekend.
But he had to let me know soon.<br />
<br />
I didn’t mention that not coming up at all was even a thought; it
would have connoted hard feelings and he would inevitably detach himself
from the situation <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/talking-about-adoption/older-child-adoption-finding-missing-piece-disappointment/">rather than risk emotional vulnerability</a>.<br />
“Yea, whatever” he said, his standard reply. He was going to have to think this through on his own.<br />
A few days later, he texted that he preferred the fall break weekend.
With an unseen eyebrow raised in surprise, I asked what had happened to
his plans. He replied that he couldn’t go because he had a cross
country meet that Saturday, and I should come see him run rather than do
the family weekend. He was likely not keen on being left alone and
bored through the break; my coming seemed like a matter of convenience
for him, but I was still a preference. And rather than participate in a
string of activities that did not hold much relevance to <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/going-to-college-adoptee/">his new college life</a>, the focus on attending his meet seemed more meaningful to him. <i>Progress!</i><br />
<i> </i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<b>Barely 24 hours before my flight</b> to the
mid-Atlantic, Matt texted a picture of the online prompt for me to check
in. Though there was no message, the photo spoke volumes to me. He was
anticipating my arrival, and he dared to express as such. <i>Huge! </i>I kept it cool and simply responded, “I am so excited!” He responded a short while later, “It’s cooooold!” He was happy.<br />
<br />
As I landed, my excitement gave way to nervousness. The first two
months is a lifetime for any college freshman, with all the adjustments,
changes, and new experiences. And yet, Matt had already dealt with such
in the form of unrelenting hardship several times over. When I walked
into my sons’ lives eight years ago, Matt (and Lucas) couldn’t separate
themselves fast enough from their “old” life in Brazil to their “new”
American family life. The extent to which he might have
compartmentalized his now “old” family life from his “new” college life
remained to be seen. I really had no idea what would be in store for me.<br />
<br />
I made it to the site of his meet with seconds to spare. I spotted my
son as the starting gun fired. He was instantly recognizable, yet
looked different to me somehow.<br />
<br />
I blindly followed the other parents and coaches to the different
vantage points of the open track field to cheer on the runners as they
made their way around varying loops, and up and down the small hills of
the makeshift track. At the second vantage point, I caught Matt beaming
as he apparently had spotted me. He ordinarily never smiles while
running; it “breaks his concentration.”<br />
<br />
With most students gone for the break, it was quiet back on campus.
But we packed our long weekend with our usual fall festivities: apple
picking, a haunted trail walk at night, hiking, and cool restaurant
eats.<br />
<br />
In our relations together, Matt was almost chatty and unusually open
to questions. I felt like he let me in on more of his life from the past
two months than all four years of high school. Even when silence
reigned, it was the comfortable kind.<br />
<br />
Eight years ago, I stood in front of a closed door at my sons’
orphanage, just seconds away from meeting them. As I described in my
memoir, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/See-Tomorrow-Reclaiming-Beacon-Hope/dp/0989921808/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=" target="_blank"><i>See You Tomorrow…</i></a>,
I vividly recall how scared I felt. Aside from a few pictures, and a
brief synopsis of their backgrounds, Matt and Lucas were complete
strangers to me, as I was to them. Flashing forward eight years, I feel
as though I might be getting to know Matt all over again, but with fewer
distractions and without the burdensome weight of his earlier life’s
struggles. My son was moving forward, not as fearful of his
surroundings; he was taking charge of himself and becoming more
comfortable with the broadening of his horizons. Maybe eight years was
just enough, after all.<br />
<h5>
GARY MATLOFF, PH.D., is a licensed psychologist and nationally
certified school psychologist. He adopted nine- and 12-year-old brothers
from Brazil as a single father, and chronicles his family’s story in
his memoir, <i>See You Tomorrow . . . Reclaiming the Beacon of Hope</i>. Dr. Matloff has also been published in <i>Kveller</i>, <i>parent,co</i>, <i>Adoption Today</i>, <i><a href="https://www.apa.org/index.aspx" target="_blank">APA</a> Monitor</i>, <a href="https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/resources/adoption-advocate" target="_blank">National Council for Adoption’s <i>Adoption Advocate</i></a>, and <i>Portrait of Adoption</i>. Find him online at <a href="http://drgarytheadoptiveparent.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">drgarytheadoptiveparent.blogspot.com</a> and <a href="http://psyched4kids.com/" target="_blank">psyched4kids.com</a>.</h5>
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-29280594833225023412018-10-29T18:51:00.001-04:002018-11-29T16:43:14.875-05:00<br />
<div style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Fine Line Between Letting Go and Being Let Go - Part 1 (of 3) </span></span></i></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="about:invalid#zClosurez" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" src="data:image/png;base64,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" /></a></div>
<h2 class="entry-tout">
<span style="font-size: large;">I adopted my son as he was entering his teen
years, and now, too soon, I have seen him off to college. How will his
still tenuous attachment play out when I’m no longer a constant,
physical presence in his life?</span></h2>
<a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/older-child-teen-adoption-fine-line-between-letting-go-being-let-go-college-transition/" target="_blank">https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/older-child-teen-adoption-fine-line-between-letting-go-being-let-go-college-transition/</a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/matloff-single-adoptive-father-college-transition-after-adopting-teen-then-now-family-photos.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="author Gary Matloff with his sons, after adoption and now, as teens" border="0" class="attachment-post-thumbnail size-post-thumbnail wp-post-image" height="400" src="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/matloff-single-adoptive-father-college-transition-after-adopting-teen-then-now-family-photos.png" width="700" /></a></div>
<br />
<b>It’s a spectacle I’ve become familiar with</b> over my
years as a school psychologist. On the first day of each new school
year, and for several days after, a small crowd of parents stands at the
school’s closed front gates, watching their children walk off to their
new classrooms.<br />
<br />
This year, I missed the first few days of school to <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/going-to-college-adoptee/">take my older son to college</a>.
When I returned to work, on the fourth day of school, I still felt
emotionally spent from my trip. As I approached the school and spotted
the small gathering of parents <i>still</i> holding on at the front
gates, I felt an ironic twist. In years past, my sympathies would have
hardened by now. “Let go, already,” I’d imploringly think to myself.
This year, I felt I was right there with them.<br />
<br />
I adopted "Matt" (with his younger brother, "Lucas") from Brazil as he
was turning 12 years old. When adopting an older child, parenting starts
off late in the game, yet the parenting paradox is the same: wanting to
deeply attach to and invest in your child while eventually having to <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/international-adoption-starting-college/">“let go”</a> and preparing him to live his own life.<br />
<br />
It’s an understatement to say that it was a struggle to get to this point with my son at all, with our <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/talking-about-adoption/older-child-adoption-finding-missing-piece-disappointment/">relationship marked by disruptive attachment issues</a>.
But I held on through the explosive outbursts, purposeful resistance to
academic achievement, and indifference to others’ feelings. I became
less fearful of Matt’s struggles to reconcile with <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-bonding-home/post-placement-life-history/">his earlier history of loss, trauma</a>,
mistrust, and a heightened need for control. I also gave up on my need
for any immediate parental gratification, learning instead to appreciate
the gradually emerging bond between us.<br />
<br />
As I relaxed, Matt did too. Instead of keeping a tight lid on
anything he thought about or did, he began to share more. When he did, I
had to keep a lid on my wanting “more,” for fear he’d immediately
retreat. I had to practice the same restraint whenever Matt expressed
any physical affection: coming up from behind me with an awkwardly
impulsive squeeze of my neck or face or being more gentle with a
one-armed hug or a lean-in to my side, Sometimes I’d be allowed to
reciprocate and other times I’d just have to stand there in quiet
acceptance.<br />
<br />
In the weeks leading up to our departure, the kid who resisted doing
his work, chores, or anything else he didn’t want to do took total
charge in handling his preparatory college tasks. He even cleaned out
his room, <i>and </i>kept it neat. I became used to his customary
retreats and resistance to encouragement as the thought of taking any
risk was too threatening after a childhood full of hurt and
disappointment. Occasionally, he approached me with a question or
request for assistance, but I didn’t have to <i>do</i> anything. My son usually resisted direct influence, yet I learned to <a href="http://www.chicagonow.com/portrait-of-an-adoption/2014/11/playing-behind-the-scenes-life-as-a-single-adoptive-father/">set things in motion behind the scenes</a>,
as when I asked the soccer coach at the start of high school to invite
him to try out. The kid who still is wary of the past, having kept him
from even thinking about his future, was ensuring his readiness to move
forward in life.<br />
<br />
I’d like to say that I was ready for him to go, but like any parent
about to send his child out into the broader confines of life, I was
plagued with a nagging fear of the unknown. And as an adoptive parent of
an older child, I was apprehensive about how his still tenuous
attachment to me and to our family would play out in the ensuing years,
when I’d no longer be a constant, physical presence in his life. I was
feeling unfinished; eight years didn’t seem enough, and <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/adopted-child-going-off-to-college/">I was having trouble with “letting go.”</a><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<b>In heading out on the morning of our departure,</b> I
knew better than to ask if he’d like to take “one last look” around the
house. But I asked anyway and received the expected “Nah” in response. I
hadn’t even turned out the lights before Matt had squeezed in with his
brother in the front seat of the packed car. I feigned a feeble “Hold
on, I forgot something” as I suddenly felt the urge to retreat
backwards.<br />
<br />
I went back inside to take a quick look at Matt’s
uncharacteristically uncluttered bedroom. I fought back some tears as I
flashed back eight years to the night before my departure for Brazil,
when I had stood silently in the shared entryway, peeking into the
neatly made up bedrooms awaiting their occupants. As I detailed in my
memoir, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/See-Tomorrow-Reclaiming-Beacon-Hope/dp/0989921808/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr="><i>See You Tomorrow</i></a><i>,</i>
I can vividly recall the “picture perfect” image of how “the comforters
were neatly folded, pillows fluffed, pictures hung straight, and toys,
games, and books (were) smartly arranged.” Though Matt had left some
personal artifacts scattered about, and had firmly told me several times
over the preceding weeks that he didn’t want “anything changed,” I
wondered if he had purposefully left his room roughly how he first found
it—unlived in.<br />
<br />
I couldn’t help but wonder whether my son ever <i>really</i> lived here. Having <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-bonding-home/adopting-teenagers-from-foster-care/">adopted him at the cusp of his teen years</a>,
the pseudo sense of independence Matt projected from the start was
often naively ascribed to a developmentally normal phase. I knew better.
He <i>had </i>to be tougher on the outside and hide his fear of
intimacy. Though this instinct has relaxed somewhat over the years, Matt
persists in his tendency to keep others at a comfortable distance.<br />
<br />
Having regained my composure, we set off. First we’d be dropping
Lucas off for his first day as a high school junior. The ride to Lucas’s
high school would be short and quiet; relations between the brothers
had become increasingly ambivalent over the past year. Both had
repeatedly expressed their relief, if not happiness, over letting each
other go their separate ways since the college choice was made.<br />
<br />
Used to Lucas taking control over the car radio with his personal,
rather eclectic, musical playlist, at first I didn’t think much of his
dabbling that morning. But as I listened to his selection, the Eden
Project’s “Times Like These,” tears began to flow. “<i>It’s been a
long, long time, we’ve come a long, long way… The future’s so bright.
This is our time. Imma live it how I dream… It’s taken so long to feel
okay.” </i>I kept my gaze fixated on the road, terrified of disrupting a private moment between brothers, whether they knew it or not.<br />
<br />
I was sobbing quietly as the song reached its ending: <i>“Because
it’s all we know. And it’s only change. Sun sets on the old. But we’re
nocturnal anyway. And this is how we will know it’ll be okay. There are
times we will hold when our memories fade. Sometimes it takes times like
these to know you’re in the right place.”</i> By the time we reached
the school, neither had said anything, I had dried up, and their
goodbyes to each other couldn’t have been more awkward. “Well, have fun
in college,” Lucas simply said. I could barely hear Matt’s mumbled
reply, something akin to his usual “Yea, yea, whatever.” So much for my
idealized television sitcom moment.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<br />
<b>The move-in the following day</b> went fairly smoothly.
Matt held onto his minimalist ways, save for his oversized Brazilian
flag covering the wall space above his bed. His roommate wouldn’t arrive
until the next week, but Matt decided to stay in his half-empty dorm
room rather than come with me to the hotel that night, our last
together; he had his first cross-country practice early the next
morning, and was anxious to be on site and ready. It was OK—I could
still tell him that I would “see him tomorrow.”<br />
<br />
While Matt was at practice, I picked Lucas up at the airport. I had
flown him up so that he could check out his brother’s new surroundings
at the college, for them to have a more meaningful parting of ways, and
for moral support and company for the drive home. After a parting lunch
in the dining hall, before I knew it, it was time to bid my son goodbye.<br />
<br />
I really thought I was going to be OK. After all, I had certain
things I wanted to say, and had rehearsed them in my mind to keep my
words brief and not overly sentimental—but after several false starts,
all I could do was reach out to hug him. Even so, I held on for too
long, until he softly pushed me away, simply claiming “that’s too much.”<br />
<br />
Lucas intuitively came to both our rescues with a “Come on, Father,”
although not before they both surrendered into a quick hug. Perhaps
they’d declare something of a truce. Their ties to each other are, after
all, inescapable.<br />
<br />
When we got in the car, we found that Matt had left his new water
bottle. We summoned him back down and I steadied myself for a redo. I
motioned for Matt to come over to the driver’s side, where he looked at
me expectantly, and dare I say patiently, for me to finally get out an
“I love you.” He responded in kind with his trademark “yea, yea”—but no
“whatever”—as he bounced back up the walkway steps. There, surprisingly,
he stopped and turned around, smiling somewhat laughingly back at us as
we goofily waved to him.<br />
<br />
I then watched in what felt like slow motion as a huge piece of my
life, a big part of what makes me who I am, break away. I knew it was
right, I knew it was supposed to happen, but I didn’t <i>want </i>to let go…but knew I had to.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<b>On the drive home,</b> I asked Lucas about his song
choice the few days before. As is typical for him, he immediately
launched into an intellectualized discourse about its origin as a
tribute for the songwriter’s fans struggling with his decision to leave
behind “Eden Project” for the new name “Eden,” and a different musical
style. Lucas’s understanding was that he wrote the song as a vehicle to
express his feelings and reassure his fans that change is normal, and
they shouldn’t worry because he was in the “right place.”<br />
<br />
Lucas avoided discussing how the song made him feel, but added that
he thought it might be a “comfort” to his brother as he embarked on the
next phase of his life. As we talked, he replayed the song. I started to
tear up again, and I struggled to tell him how deeply the song had
touched me. As if on cue, Lucas said that he’d also seen his brother cry
when it had played.<br />
<br />
“He really cried?” I asked, with obvious incredulity in my wavering tone. “Yeah,” Lucas coolly replied.<br />
<br />
Keeping it in perspective, I was reassured. Matt was looking forward
to a “brighter tomorrow”; he wasn’t as fearful of the past as he used to
be. I had done my parenting job well enough, but also knew that it
wasn’t finished. Somehow, I had become that secure base Matt never
thought he’d need, but deep down had always wanted.<br />
<br />
Almost from the start of our first days together, Matt would
unfailingly utter, “See you tomorrow” every night at bedtime. It soon
became our ritual, our family anthem, seemingly serving as a declaration
that “stability shall reign” to counter a prolonged earlier history of
familial instability. As time passed, and Matt started taking more stock
into tomorrow’s promise as opposed to its foreboding, he no longer
needed to <i>speak</i> those words of comfort. And as I remained a constant for my son over the ensuing years, he grew to <i>trust</i> that I would be there, no matter what. I knew this trust was in place because, otherwise, he wouldn’t have been able to <i>let me go</i> as he did…never mind whether I’d have been able to let <i>him</i> go as I did.<br />
<br />
<h5>
GARY MATLOFF, PH.D., is a licensed psychologist and nationally
certified school psychologist. He adopted nine- and 12-year-old brothers
from Brazil as a single father, and chronicles his family’s story in
his memoir, <i>See You Tomorrow . . . Reclaiming the Beacon of Hope</i>. Dr. Matloff has also been published in <i>Kveller</i>, <i>parent,co</i>, <i>Adoption Today</i>, <i><a href="https://www.apa.org/index.aspx" target="_blank">APA</a> Monitor</i>, <a href="https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/resources/adoption-advocate" target="_blank">National Council for Adoption’s <i>Adoption Advocate</i></a>, and <i>Portrait of Adoption</i>. Find him online at <a href="http://drgarytheadoptiveparent.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">drgarytheadoptiveparent.blogspot.com</a> and <a href="http://psyched4kids.com/" target="_blank">psyched4kids.com</a>.</h5>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-67914225115179785512017-10-04T21:23:00.002-04:002017-10-04T21:25:10.546-04:00<span style="font-size: x-large;">Playing the Parenting Game for Keeps</span><br />
<br />
When Brazil faced Germany for soccer’s World Cup finals, it was the pinnacle of Brazilian pride in our household... <br />
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qKKqHywpXos/WdWJhHcMz6I/AAAAAAAAAl4/7qpFwiYSz3Y4i_kVfS6z5MTQOW3FmCsqwCLcBGAs/s1600/Artboard-9.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="100" data-original-width="348" height="56" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qKKqHywpXos/WdWJhHcMz6I/AAAAAAAAAl4/7qpFwiYSz3Y4i_kVfS6z5MTQOW3FmCsqwCLcBGAs/s200/Artboard-9.png" width="200" /></a><br />
<a href="https://www.parent.co/playing-the-parenting-game-for-keeps/" target="_blank">https://www.parent.co/playing-the-parenting-game-for-keeps/</a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v-Jdc6v_gwE/WdWJORUTWkI/AAAAAAAAAl0/qU9qJMF5IzQTMk2X9Lzpx6vw-sTI6Br2QCLcBGAs/s1600/GettyImages-510999821-e1507128105239.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1200" height="213" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v-Jdc6v_gwE/WdWJORUTWkI/AAAAAAAAAl0/qU9qJMF5IzQTMk2X9Lzpx6vw-sTI6Br2QCLcBGAs/s320/GettyImages-510999821-e1507128105239.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-38171146753345496742017-07-27T18:24:00.003-04:002017-07-27T18:24:57.477-04:00Building Families One Adoption at a Time as printed in the<br />
American Psychological Association (APA) Monitor<br />
<br />
http://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/05/building-families.aspx<br />
<br />
<br />Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-91987775839848447252017-07-24T20:38:00.001-04:002017-10-04T21:26:45.979-04:00<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Kramer vs. Who?</i></span><br />
<br />
I caught the movie “Kramer vs. Kramer” the other day. I first saw the
movie when I was a young teen in the 1970’s, too young to really
understand its significance at the time. Now though, as a single
adoptive father... <br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gq0QTWzfgTA/WdWKGO2Dp0I/AAAAAAAAAmA/k59GF8c1NIkMJiV9Ux67w4CsgXIou4XRwCLcBGAs/s1600/Artboard-9.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="100" data-original-width="348" height="56" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gq0QTWzfgTA/WdWKGO2Dp0I/AAAAAAAAAmA/k59GF8c1NIkMJiV9Ux67w4CsgXIou4XRwCLcBGAs/s200/Artboard-9.png" width="200" /></a><br />
<a href="https://www.parent.co/kramer-versus-who/" target="_blank">https://www.parent.co/kramer-versus-who/</a><br />
<br />
<a href="https://i2.wp.com/www.parent.co/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/GettyImages-AA033018-e1500311787699.jpg?fit=1200%2C940&ssl=1" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Father and His Two Children Playing on the Beach" border="0" class="attachment-full size-full wp-post-image" height="250" src="https://i2.wp.com/www.parent.co/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/GettyImages-AA033018-e1500311787699.jpg?fit=1200%2C940&ssl=1" width="320" /></a><br />
<br />Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-82977063795022621512016-02-03T17:57:00.001-05:002016-02-03T20:24:04.860-05:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ij2sU5fLMos/VrKFgi3bH2I/AAAAAAAAAfI/MTEjrMf8SWM/s1600/February2016.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ij2sU5fLMos/VrKFgi3bH2I/AAAAAAAAAfI/MTEjrMf8SWM/s200/February2016.jpg" width="156" /></a><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="color: #274e13;">The Middling Effect of the "Hit and Run"</span></b></span></div>
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0Uil-TWQNzE/VrKlsBNI0-I/AAAAAAAAAfg/ChbKrZF6vyM/s1600/001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0Uil-TWQNzE/VrKlsBNI0-I/AAAAAAAAAfg/ChbKrZF6vyM/s640/001.jpg" title="" width="464" /></a><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8J3zTqcT5WM/VrKlsPpYA3I/AAAAAAAAAfk/IaDZV_OL_5Q/s1600/002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8J3zTqcT5WM/VrKlsPpYA3I/AAAAAAAAAfk/IaDZV_OL_5Q/s640/002.jpg" width="464" /></a><br />
<br />Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-21965433082609286762016-01-09T21:15:00.001-05:002016-02-03T20:19:45.936-05:00<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-60dqW1ArNmA/VpG-OGSfM4I/AAAAAAAAAd4/dxCjTBHh4Dk/s1600/January2016tilt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-60dqW1ArNmA/VpG-OGSfM4I/AAAAAAAAAd4/dxCjTBHh4Dk/s200/January2016tilt.jpg" style="cursor: move;" width="165" /></a><b><span style="color: #274e13;">Preserving the Role of the Adoptive Parents in the Midst of Adoption's Divergent Forces</span></b></span><br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bpEty0trDjE/VpJdxMiqEUI/AAAAAAAAAes/Z9eEsyuFdOk/s1600/001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bpEty0trDjE/VpJdxMiqEUI/AAAAAAAAAes/Z9eEsyuFdOk/s640/001.jpg" width="464" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sxgF60O60z8/VpJYBbYLfSI/AAAAAAAAAeU/Y46frcI81lQ/s1600/002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sxgF60O60z8/VpJYBbYLfSI/AAAAAAAAAeU/Y46frcI81lQ/s640/002.jpg" width="464" /></a></div>
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-4752595693065938302015-05-07T21:48:00.003-04:002015-05-07T22:01:14.260-04:00<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YiYJyUYaodk/VUwWYquspUI/AAAAAAAAAb8/xZSe77YQFhA/s1600/kveller-logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YiYJyUYaodk/VUwWYquspUI/AAAAAAAAAb8/xZSe77YQFhA/s1600/kveller-logo.png" /></a>A little <b><span style="color: magenta;">"Food for Thought" - Me, My Adopted Sons, and our War with Food</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: magenta;"><a href="http://www.kveller.com/me-my-adopted-sons-and-our-war-with-food/" target="_blank">http://www.kveller.com/me-my-adopted-sons-and-our-war-with-food/</a></span></b>Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-45719115021157788022014-12-03T21:48:00.000-05:002014-12-04T15:58:12.215-05:00<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nuRQfPXwoZs/VH_KzTvSrWI/AAAAAAAAAbE/NL08AAxoRBI/s1600/kveller-logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nuRQfPXwoZs/VH_KzTvSrWI/AAAAAAAAAbE/NL08AAxoRBI/s1600/kveller-logo.png" /></a>For those who might have wondered what really went down when I won the state association's School Psychologist of the Year award, check out my latest posting on Kveller - <b><span style="color: magenta;">I Missed a Major Career Milestone, But At Least I Was With My Kids</span></b><span style="color: magenta;">: </span><a href="http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/i-missed-a-major-career-milestone-but-at-least-i-was-with-my-kids/">http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/i-missed-a-major-career-milestone-but-at-least-i-was-with-my-kids/</a>Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-21407044747475540652014-11-30T21:06:00.003-05:002014-11-30T21:22:14.432-05:00<span class="userContent">For the last day of November's National
Adoption Awareness Month, here's an ode especially to new adoptive parents from the
ever so relevant, Dr. Seuss: </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span class="userContent"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lLtFJBNZOj8/VHvQnb3xUNI/AAAAAAAAAa4/Ei-htkCs9r4/s1600/Seuss-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lLtFJBNZOj8/VHvQnb3xUNI/AAAAAAAAAa4/Ei-htkCs9r4/s1600/Seuss-3.jpg" height="410" width="640" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-69840691199972629312014-11-23T19:13:00.003-05:002014-11-23T19:13:55.792-05:00<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j_iDkg-lCYk/VHJ3_RWWfPI/AAAAAAAAAaA/J9zDWOYzAmE/s1600/logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j_iDkg-lCYk/VHJ3_RWWfPI/AAAAAAAAAaA/J9zDWOYzAmE/s1600/logo.png" height="53" width="320" /></a><span data-reactid=".5z.0.0">I was so pleased to have been invited to contribute to the Social Wo<span class="text_exposed_show">rk License Map's website - <span style="color: #660000;"><b>Life Lessons My Adopted Children Taught Me: </b></span>
<a href="http://socialworklicensemap.com/life-lessons-my-adopted-children-taught-me/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://socialworklicensemap.com/life-lessons-my-adopted-children-taught-me/</a></span></span>Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-75937229996554307202014-11-19T22:54:00.003-05:002014-11-22T23:12:41.453-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sA7XpS_e2E0/VG1m7gVOQDI/AAAAAAAAAZg/WlIUS5XGufU/s1600/blog-71-128.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sA7XpS_e2E0/VG1m7gVOQDI/AAAAAAAAAZg/WlIUS5XGufU/s1600/blog-71-128.png" /></a></div>
<span class="userContent">Here's my piece for the Thirty Portraits of Adoption Series in honor of November's Adoption Awareness Month - <b><span style="color: purple;">Playing Behind the Scenes: Life as a Single Adoptive Father:</span></b></span> <a href="http://www.chicagonow.com/portrait-of-an-adoption/2014/11/playing-behind-the-scenes-life-as-a-single-adoptive-father/"><span class="userContent">http://www.chicagonow.com/portrait-of-an-adoption/2014/11/playing-behind-the-scenes-life-as-a-single-adoptive-father/</span></a>Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-28765724276985674392014-11-10T20:03:00.000-05:002014-11-22T23:08:59.064-05:00<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RFGKZHQup_c/VG1nkOM7PNI/AAAAAAAAAZo/kzAao3DC_j4/s1600/kveller-logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RFGKZHQup_c/VG1nkOM7PNI/AAAAAAAAAZo/kzAao3DC_j4/s1600/kveller-logo.png" /></a>Here's part 2, the Christian side of our family life posted on Kveller - <b><span style="color: magenta;">My Adopted Son Wants to Be Christian--And I Need to Let Him</span></b><u><b><span style="color: magenta;"></span></b></u><span style="color: magenta;">: </span><a href="http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/my-adopted-son-wants-to-be-christian-and-i-need-to-let-him/">http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/my-adopted-son-wants-to-be-christian-and-i-need-to-let-him/</a>Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-72654032175028968962014-11-03T22:44:00.001-05:002014-11-22T23:13:13.729-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W3VxWowXcAc/VFhLfwTwngI/AAAAAAAAAZQ/cn01x7iJsHk/s1600/logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W3VxWowXcAc/VFhLfwTwngI/AAAAAAAAAZQ/cn01x7iJsHk/s1600/logo.png" height="119" width="200" /></a></div>
Check out and share my article, <span style="color: #b45f06;"><b>The Joys and Challenges of Parenting Older Adopted Children</b> </span>in November's issue of the Adoption Advocate (77):<a href="http://www.adoptioncouncil.org/files/large/74006f69a8fa720" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> www.adoptioncouncil.org/files/large/74006f69a8fa720</a>Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-89736771139110865722014-10-25T13:49:00.000-04:002014-11-11T22:03:46.774-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aP98MiSYpo4/VEvfrJv5nZI/AAAAAAAAAZA/4Ca2UGAmOQA/s1600/3cb41f29f969e39649929493905b1144.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aP98MiSYpo4/VEvfrJv5nZI/AAAAAAAAAZA/4Ca2UGAmOQA/s1600/3cb41f29f969e39649929493905b1144.jpg" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
Please visit Tara Vanderwoude website, <a href="http://www.taravanderwoude.com/">www.taravanderwoude.com</a><br />
Tara is a Korean adoptee and an adoptive mother, as well as a social worker, advocate, and educator. Her mission is simple, yet powerful in the quest for fostering an enhanced understanding of the complexities surrounding adoption: <i id="yui_3_17_2_1_1414258753364_322">My writing a</i><i id="yui_3_17_2_1_1414258753364_316">ttempts to give voice to these complexities -- they are <b>plentiful, multi-leveled, and multi-dimensional</b>. Like you, I'm still learning... and relearning. </i>Effectively responding to the "best interests" of the child, regardless of whether adoption is the outcome begins with an open mind and willingness to regard different perspectives. Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-3308954032029023622014-10-21T22:41:00.002-04:002014-11-22T23:10:37.862-05:00<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qUzQdc1wxVo/VG1n0N66K7I/AAAAAAAAAZw/Ox25BGXOVFw/s1600/kveller-logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qUzQdc1wxVo/VG1n0N66K7I/AAAAAAAAAZw/Ox25BGXOVFw/s1600/kveller-logo.png" /></a><span class="userContent">Exciting to see my first Kveller (a Jewish
twist on parenting blog) posting - the Christian perspective as it
pertains to our family will soon be posted - <b><span style="color: magenta;">Four Years After Adoption, My Son is a Bar Mitavah:</span></b> <a href="http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/three-years-after-adoption-my-son-is-a-bar-mitzvah/" rel="nofollow nofollow" target="_blank">http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/three-years-after-adoption-my-son-is-a-bar-mitzvah/</a></span>Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-37969126205638581332014-08-31T12:30:00.002-04:002015-11-11T09:10:45.340-05:00Discovering the Emotional Implications in Exercising One's Parental Authority<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W7e-zUebnq0/VANNZf8LocI/AAAAAAAAAXs/c5BtdMn1_BU/s1600/dvartorah.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="460" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W7e-zUebnq0/VANNZf8LocI/AAAAAAAAAXs/c5BtdMn1_BU/s1600/dvartorah.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: large;">For my son's recent bar mitzvah,
there was the task of delivering the Dvar Torah speech during the ceremony.
Although it can be given by anyone, it often is traditionally the parent(s) who
stands at the bema and imparts a "word of Torah", a lesson or sermon
that interprets a particular text from the Torah. Relative to the boy's bar
mitzvah, it is common for the Dvar Torah to focus on that week's Torah portion.
Being a single parent to Davi and his brother, it was pretty much a given that
I would be doing the deed, and I wanted to make the absolute most of it. The italicized
text is the actual Dvar Torah that I had prepared for the occasion, in its
verbatim which is weaved in with the added introductory, clarifying, and
concluding texts below.</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When
I first learned that Davi's Torah portion was about the importance of
respecting authority in one's life, I couldn't help but take a look up above
and say, "Really? Are you serious? How did you know?!"</span></i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Being a writer, I expected it to be rather straightforward
to write about "authority", especially given how much energy I spend
encouraging, if not demanding my sons' respect for my parental authority. In my
writing I struggled with just how to establish a common ground between my
thoughts about the text and what I wanted to convey to family and friends, and
even more important, the meaningful impression I wanted to make on Davi, and
his brother. I did not just want "to teach," the literal meaning of
the word "Torah," but I wanted to "inspire." </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">With a rough draft in hand, I
recruited the rabbi for his perspective. He rather wisely surmised my
restraint, steeped in my fears of stoking my own ego as an often embattled parent,
and subsequently losing out on fostering a connection between the respect for authority
and its relevance in both my sons' lives. The rabbi essentially gave me
permission to let loose a bit, and not be so afraid to get more into the heart
of the matter. I came away feeling that it was okay to open up more frankly
about the often too emotionally heavy-handed task of exercising one's parental
authority. This is especially so for adoptive parent(s) of older children, who
take over in the raising of those who had started out in life with less than
favorable influences. Their very best of intentions can abruptly be derailed by
the kind of mistrust in persons of authority that is deeply ingrained, and not
easily resolved. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Feeling
a challenge being thrown my way, I began to think more deeply for myself, and
took a look out there at the fuss we parents tend to (and still should) make
about respecting authority, and its place in raising our children. I saw how
the parent-child relationship teaches us about our relationship with G-d, who
essentially gives us this earthly parallel relationship that enables us to
learn about who He is, how He relates to us, and how we relate to Him. </span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">At this too early point in my delivery
of the Dvar Torah, I felt myself inexplicably becoming emotionally overwhelmed.
I had to stop, having become too choked up to continue. When I felt that I had
gained back enough of my composure I started up again, yet it turned out to be
a false start. I barely made it past three more words before having to stop
again. I even tried sputtering out a joke to the congregation, in how I didn't
"know what's wrong with me." And, that I hadn't "even gotten to
the emotional part, yet!" Although mindful of my starting focus on the
ultimate higher authority Himself, I was pretty sure it wasn't because I was
experiencing some kind of a powerful spiritual connection with G-d that moment.
Still unsure as to what was happening with me, I felt I had pulled enough of
myself together to plod along, yet I still didn't get very far. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Our
Sages say that when children honor their parents it is considered as if they
honor G-d Himself (Talmud, Kiddushin<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>30
b). As we learn, over time to revere G-d's authority, and look to Him for
guidance and safety, children first learn from their parents what it means to
depend on someone's love and protection, in spite of those annoying rules that
are doled out for their eventual benefit. </span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I had to stop again. I just couldn't
understand what it was that was getting to me. Being the consummate
perfectionist when I write, with my need for just the right word that most
clearly expresses my thoughts, ideas, and feelings, I had probably read through
my Dvar Torah at least a hundred times in my writings. And, each time I had read
it through, I never felt the slightest stirring of any sentiment. Subconsciously,
up there at the bema I knew well the territory I was about to enter, where I
had gone before too many times to count. But, doing so out there in public for
all to hear and see, I felt especially vulnerable. Tears started to well up,
and my voice cracked, at times it became muffled that made it hard for many to
hear me. I felt insecure, not unlike so many of those times when I struggle to
withstand the heat of yet another backlash of misguided hostility... all
because of having to assert my authority, and discipline as it was warranted,
or attempt to "teach" in a way that would continue to foster my sons'
emotional growth, and bonding with me as their father. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Too often</span> I feel that I have to be "strong", and reflect outward
the kind of inner strength readily translated as that someone with whom my sons
are able to feel safe and secure. That wasn't happening so fast up there on the
bema. As I was connecting more directly with the hidden emotional agenda of my
Dvar Torah, I was in danger of folding like a house of cards. Davi might even
have sensed this, as he seemed ever so sensitive to and touched by my genuineness
in emotional expression. I spotted a speckle of tears in his eyes as he placed
a hand on my arm, and in his offering of strength said, "You got this,
father." I took a deep breath, and carried on.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Children
also first learn from their parents about love and compassion, and how it is
unconditional no matter the context. Their parents love them no matter what,
even when their children have made them so angry that it threatens the
abandonment of logic and reason, even when their children made them feel as
though they don't deserve to share the same breathing space, even when there is
in your face mistreatment, or disrespect, even when there are hurt feelings
inside... their parents still love. </span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But, it is not only children who need authority. We all do.
We all need to feel that the right people are in charge so that we feel safe
and secure, and that there is order in our life. And yet, when we believe that
we can't trust the people in charge, we become anxious, fearful even, in a
world where there is no authority to respect or trust, and that our best
interests are not kept at heart. From the start, I had wanted to be the type of
parent whose authority deserves respect and is listened to. Yes, I know... I
have teenagers in my charge. I've learned the hard way to take what I can get!
I know I am far from the perfect parent, but I work hard to provide the kind of
loving care that is buffered by clear limits and fair consequences in order for
which to grow from, and which honor and integrity prevail. </span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As I have always stressed, parenting is not for the faint of heart, as we
are continuously pushed out of our personal comfort zones. As such, we are
constantly being challenged and made uncomfortable in ways that are
unimaginable. It especially can be exceedingly challenging to find the merit in
the task of parenting when our own sense of balance and strength indefensibly
feels under attack. Yet, if we are able to retain some semblance of our mature
adult selves, parenting also can be the most profoundly meaningful endeavor of
our lives.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Davi, I look at you today with a great deal of pride and joy
in my heart as you stand on the threshold of becoming that kind of young man.
From the start, you bowled me over with not just the brilliant sparkle of your
intellect and humor, but how you can carry yourself with the kind of wisdom few
adults are able to attain after a lifetime. I have learned more than a thing or
two from you over the past four years, where I have often found myself justly,
if not also humbled by the sharpness of your insight and warmth of your
affection on more than one occasion. So why might I come down on you a little
harder than maybe you think I should... well, humility takes practice, so what
kind of loving father would I be if I didn't knock you down a few pegs now and
then? It is to remind you that there always is a higher authority, and that we
must be mindful and respectful of His presence. But also, and just as worthy is
the importance of being true to oneself as you forge ahead in life, being
mindful of one's need to maintain a humble sense of oneself, that one is not
necessarily right all the time, and that one should always hold himself
accountable because that is what makes him honorable, and trustworthy. </span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I truly believe that asserting one's parental authority</span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> has nothing to do with perfection, or even control
for that matter. That isn’t even a goal for me, nor do I expect perfection from
you or your brother. Rather, I am most content when we learn together to
respect each other and live well in an imperfect world, loving each other
despite or even because of our imperfections. Especially then, at the end of
the day, I find myself not asking if I had done everything right, but what I
had learned and how well I had loved. I also hope that even at times when
feeling as though it might have gotten lost in the translation, at the end of
the day, you come away feeling just how much I very deeply love you, and your
brother, how I am grateful for every day we have with each other, and how I
wake up every morning looking to make each day we are together count. </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">As they say, "there wasn't a dry eye in the house." I had succeeded beyond what I initially thought I had intended to achieve. I realize that at the end of the day, parenting should be approached as a partnership rather than as an exercise in seeking to dominate and control, the very antithesis of raising children who learn to become accountable for themselves. As this holds special relevance for the single parent, I often find myself saying to my sons, "I can't do it by myself. We need to work together as a team." After all, each one of us wakes up every morning with hopes for how the day will transpire; each one of us holds a stake in the day's outcome. So long as I carry out my parental authority as it is meant</span></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">—</span> to protect, nurture, and guide, my perspective remains lucid, and the better I am able to keep my emotions in check that best reflects my inner strength. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Dr. Gary Matloff is a licensed psychologist, and a proud single, adoptive father to a pair of brothers, now thirteen and sixteen years-old. He is the author of <i>See You Tomorrow... Reclaiming the Beacon of Hope</i></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">— A true story about resilience, and the journey of a lifetime for this pair of brothers and their new father against the sometimes all too uncompromising reality of adoption older children and international adoption.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>www.psyched4kids.com</b></span></div>
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-37461630782121820702014-08-18T22:34:00.001-04:002014-08-31T12:44:35.477-04:00Preserving Connections in the Midst of a Closing Door<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4dWdTdECfA/U_KZTHfk-CI/AAAAAAAAAXc/rdTR6fyiDSg/s1600/P1040389.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4dWdTdECfA/U_KZTHfk-CI/AAAAAAAAAXc/rdTR6fyiDSg/s1600/P1040389.JPG" height="492" width="640" /></a></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">It was that time of year again... for LIMIAR’s reunion weekend for Brazilian adoptive
families. It had been two years since we were at the last reunion, with last
year’s reunion having been cancelled when there was not enough interest for it
to have been financially sustainable. This year’s reunion, our third, was being
heralded as LIMIAR’s last as the organization was getting ready to shut down
its operations completely. It already had ceased its involvement with Brazilian
adoptions more than a year ago. The number of international adoptions from
Brazil had been on the decline for several years now, and the Brazilian
government was initiating changes in the way agencies would need to apply for
official sanctions to provide adoption services. Sadly, LIMIAR's closing of its doors somehow seems rather ironic in its imminent departure from the word's Portuguese reference to the threshold of a doorway, and the symbolic act of crossing over to a new beginning. </span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> In the car ride to the reunion site, Davi was very content in taking center stage and regaling me with (and
Matheus, who really did appear to be listening to) his experiences at sleep away camp thus
far, having been away for ten days with another ten days to go after the reunion. Matheus was simply content in having his brother “back.” Even though he
would not give us direct satisfaction of this fact about the deepening bond he
seemed to have been forming with his younger brother the past six months or so, he had indelibly put it out there on his Instagram,
claiming that he “gotta hang with him more.” </span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The four hour car ride was rather swift, and upon arrival to Bradford, we grabbed
pizza at our usual place, hit the same grocery store for Davi to get snacks to
bring back with him to camp, and the boys spent a little time at the hotel’s
pool after dinner. Sean wasn’t with us this time around, as he had moved back
to his hometown a few months before, and he couldn’t afford to fly in to meet
us. Still, though, there was that same familiar feel in the air for us as we
readied ourselves for the initial gathering of everyone for the reunion at the
university campus the next day. </span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Straightaway when we walked into the
university center the next morning, however, I did not feel the same sense of
anticipation as I had for the first two reunions we had attended. There were no
Brazilian flag decorations strewn about as there had been before, and there was
not going to be a <i>loja, </i>or store that
would sell fun Brazilian related trinkets. A small collection of items were
hastily put together for a silent auction later in the day. There also were no
activities scheduled until after lunch, and very few families had even arrived
yet—many were not expected to arrive until later in the day or not even until
the next day. It was very quiet throughout the morning. There also were some
families who weren’t able to bring everyone due to other commitments and/or issues;
there were even a few families that had dropped out at the last minute from
coming at all. We already knew that Lino, our trusty Brazilian caseworker was
not able to come as he had in years past, but at least as a group we were
scheduled to have contact with him via a pre-arranged live video chat. There
seemed somewhat of a void in the implication that the commitment to the
families’ need for their connectedness with each other already was rapidly
diminishing.</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Especially throughout most of that
first day, it was difficult for both Matheus and Davi to connect with their
peers, as there were only a few kids on hand, and even fewer kids that were
within the scope of their ages. Several times Matheus had retreated alone
upstairs in a room that had a piano he happened to have come across. He
delighted in trying out his knowledge of scales and using his iphone as an
instructional tool to play some music. He gained a great deal of satisfaction
in having been able to play pieces of music on his own. However, relative to
the reunion’s purpose, on two occasions I had to rather firmly remind Matheus
that we were not here for him to isolate himself with his phone, and that he
was expected to at least make himself accessible and amenable to his peers. Davi,
who was usually the social butterfly, hardly extended himself to anyone, often
preferring to play games of ping pong with me in the game room, or hanging with
me elsewhere. As for me, other than a few, “Hello, how are you doing?” catch
ups with a couple of familiar parents, I also felt somewhat disconnected most
of the day. Still, though, with the next day’s full roster of familiar
activities in mind, and a livelier atmosphere expected with all of the families
to be accounted for, I was looking forward to starting out the next morning. </span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Although it had been two years since
the last reunion, no “new” families were present; only two of the families were
newer than us by about two years. These children seemed settled, adjusted, and interacted
warmly with their parents. Yet, I couldn’t help but notice somewhat of a still crispy
newness around the edges in the children’s bonding and relations with their
parents. There wasn’t anything specific, or glaring that grabbed my attention. It
just felt strangely similar to how it must have appeared for us as a still
bonding family when we were last at the reunion, only a couple of months past
our two year mark. The children were lovely—very respectful, mostly calm and
well behaved, engageable, and content. They seemed no different than Matheus
and Davi had appeared only just two years ago; indeed, we had been progressing
well in our bonding as a family unit. But, despite the obvious strength in our
family’s evolution at the time, there certainly was a lot more beneath the
surface than what met the casual eye of an outsider—yet, these parents did not openly share any such struggles in the day's
parenting groups. </span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">As had been typical for me, I most enjoyed
sitting in on the first parenting support group that morning. These groups have
been one of the very few places and times I have felt most comfortable with how
I am faring in my parenting, and basic survival in the face of my boys’
sometimes still rather challenging behavior and attitudes. It’s the sincerity
and honesty in the way these parents share of themselves and their experiences,
and offer their support that lends itself to the authenticity of the interactions
between us. The more that is shared around the table, the more incredibly
normative is this particular game of parenting we all are solidly invested in
playing—where the rules seem to be forever changing, and with stress being an
all too common experience that bonds us. Parents appearing to fare well
reported how they played by the simplest of rules in deferring judgment, keeping expectations realistic, and retaining unconditional, positive regard for their children… even now, <i>especially </i>now for those parents whose children are young adults. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">As I felt last time, I couldn’t help but feel somewhat discouraged, even a bit skeptical in wondering "what happened” to many of these now young twenty something youngsters. Albeit rather superficial in context, in addition to their apparent commitment to and love for them, many of these parents obviously had the financial means to provide the kind of advantages and resources that could practically guarantee their children's success in life. Still though, relative to societal-related hopes and expectations, there didn’t seem to be a shining star in the bunch. Too many of these young adults seemed to be floating from one menial job to the next, dodging responsibility and personal accountability, and/or making life choices for themselves that defied sensibility and logic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The young adults at the reunion seemed very sweet, personable, and somewhat humble in how they projected themselves. Nevertheless, their parents offered many examples as to how immature they still were in their social and emotional development, and how they tended to behave impulsively and carelessly—forethought often seemed to be lacking in how they went about their daily lives. Apart from whether or not these kids are more vulnerable because of the harshness of their earlier life experiences, the frontal lobe of the brain still does not appear to become fully formed until one reaches their mid twenties. Hence, difficulties properly managing impulse control, making sound judgments, utilizing insight, and controlling emotions still can be problematic for the young adult—it’s not that they lack the life experiences to know better, their brains still have difficulty assessing consequences for their actions. Yet, it still is unclear as to the extent their earlier life experiences might further complicate these matters of brain development, delaying even further the normal maturation process for these young adults. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]--><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Aside
from those stories that only left us slowly shaking our heads in suspended
disbelief, what I did not hear was the flagrant existence of problems with
substance abuse, delinquency, and/or social alienation. And, even with the hard
road many of these young adults were on, success was not as fleeting as one
might suppose. There was the boy with cognitive limitations who recently passed
all of his state's series of standardized tests to graduate high school thanks
to his parents unrelenting emotional and tutoring support that got him through;
when his mother tearfully told of how he broke down and cried when first
hearing the news that he had passed the final test, tears dotted my own eyes.
He was working now in a job that did not necessarily require great skill, yet
he was learning and gaining the respect of his employers and fellow workers.
His twin brother also was working, taking post secondary classes, and committed
to his girlfriend/fiancé in a long-term relationship. In spite of the twins'
sometimes crass attempts at humor that implied a sometimes weakened sense of
appropriate social boundaries, it was noticeably toned down in comparison to
two years ago. And, they exuded endearing sincerity in their relations with
others that was a rather direct reflection of their parents' genuineness in
their own relations with everyone. </span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I
softened even more from my initial reaction of wanting to shake some sense in a
single mother for letting her son just go on a whim to leave home and hit the
road with his guitar and a few friends to make it as musicians. His mother
rather simply explained that he was of legal age and she had no choice but to
let him discover the world for himself; he was not interested in the benefit of
his mother’s experience and wisdom simply because of his own narrow-minded
sense of what he felt he needed to do. Not only did he learn how closed-minded and
unforgiving the world was in return, he also learned to appreciate even more
the robustness of the bond that had been developing between he and his
mother—she remained there for him, unlike any other relationship he probably has
ever truly experienced in his life. He seemed to now be more receptive to his
mother's loving, yet still very nonjudgmental guidance—according to his
mother's account, he seemed to be gradually taking the task of living
responsibly more seriously since his series of very hard lessons learned. These
"baby steps" would not likely have been possible if he, as well as so
many of the others had been left behind in their former lives. They are
learning their way... slowly, but surely. They are finding their place in this
world, thanks to their family's unwavering love and support.</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Most
of the parents congregated again later in the afternoon for the second (and
last) parenting support group. Although I was supposed to take leadership of the group,
as I had for one of the groups at the previous reunion, more pressing at the
moment was to brainstorm how to preserve the purpose for these reunions. For
both the adoptees and their adoptive families, the special meaning that was
intimated with these reunions is how solidarity, support, and connectedness is
infused in a way that is very different than what can be achieved elsewhere. With
the benefit of having attended numerous reunions over the years as they were
growing up, there especially were many reports of how troubled the young adults
were with the get-togethers coming to an end. A sense of loss pervaded the room
as parents struggled to come up with a sound consensus, and commitment to an
alternative means of being able to continue coming together. Most important was
seeking to preserve for the adoptees the sanctity of this unique connection to
their Brazilian identity, support of their fellow Brazilian adoptee peers, and having
fun without concern of being made to feel different, or insignificant. Albeit
without the designation of clear leadership, promises were made to explore
locations within the context of different venues and reunion possibilities. Still,
I couldn't help but leave the group feeling a bit deflated, and not very reassured
about the prospect of future reunions. </span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Later
that afternoon, most of the reunion's attendees came together in one of the
university's classrooms the size of a small auditorium to interact with Lino in
Brazil via Skype. We gathered as a collective group in front of a large screen,
with more than ten years having passed since having adopted for some of the
families. Rather similar to the premise of how former students were brought
back together for a tribute in the climactic ending of <i>Mr. Holland's Opus</i>, we shared a common bond because of the good
fortune of having had Lino as our caseworker while we were in Brazil. He was
there to support our first meeting with our children, guide us through court
proceedings, negotiate Brazilian customs and the Portuguese language, and work
through initial adjustment issues in the first stages of our becoming a family.
To simply say that the six weeks or so during the co-habitation stay in Brazil
was emotionally challenging for the newly forming families would be an
understatement, yet Lino was there right by each of our sides, bolstering our often
heavily battered sense of our selves. It was difficult for Lino to hear us, and
the camera had limited range for him to really be able to address the families individually,
which made it difficult for there to be the kind of intimacy that many of us
really wanted with him. Still, though, his familiar, benevolent face and comforting
manner loomed large on the screen. Numerous Facebook friend requests were
rather instantaneously sent out to him that afternoon. </span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The
reunion ended as simply as it had begun. Families sort of disappeared without
my having the chance to say good bye to some. It also struck me that I didn't
even have a contact sheet of names, with any source of contact for anyone. At
least by the end, even without as much of the frills that had added to the enchantment
of reunions past, the boys did leave seemingly connected with a few of their
peers. They exchanged their contact information, even though there wasn't
anyone in particular they had indicated that they'd strive to stay in contact with. I also still enjoyed the bonding moments with other parents, and again
left feeling a bit more normalized relative to my parenting and sense of myself
as a human being. I had a chance to step back, trade notes, and ease up a bit on some
of the tension I sometimes have difficulty tempering relative to what<i> should</i> be expected in favor of what is
more important... establishing and preserving the kind of bond with my two sons
that further bolsters their place and sense of themselves in this world. With that firmly in place, the
rest apparently does eventually sort itself out. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:RelyOnVML/>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>(*) </b>If I had not yet published <i>See You Tomorrow... Reclaiming the Beacon of
Hope</i>, a year ago now, this piece would have followed the epilogue that
detailed our experiences at the second LIMIAR reunion two years earlier. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Dr. Gary Matloff is a licensed psychologist, and a proud single,
adoptive father to a pair of brothers, now thirteen and sixteen
years-old. He is the author of <i>See You Tomorrow… Reclaiming the Beacon
of Hope</i>— A true story about resilience, and the journey of a lifetime
for this pair of brothers and their new father against the sometimes all
too uncompromising reality of adopting older children and international
adoption.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>www.psyched4kids.com</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
</div>
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-40776194460138307312014-07-15T21:49:00.000-04:002014-07-22T16:56:26.704-04:00Brazil's Crushing World Cup Defeat & its Congruence with Playing the Parenting Game<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O0rTbMpXzdI/U8XZ1dY0VbI/AAAAAAAAAR8/cw6wPGnaqg0/s1600/AP_brazil_fans_5_kab_140709_4x3_992.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O0rTbMpXzdI/U8XZ1dY0VbI/AAAAAAAAAR8/cw6wPGnaqg0/s1600/AP_brazil_fans_5_kab_140709_4x3_992.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
We
rushed home to take in the World Cup semifinal game between Brazil and
Germany. “Germany made a goal,” Matheus impassively said, momentarily
looking up from his iphone as we negotiated the traffic on the highway.
Germany then scored their second goal just as we had turned on the
television at home. Matheus and I were speechless as we watched Germany
score another goal, and then another, and then another… Brazil had
conceded four goals in six minutes. In passing, Davi simply proclaimed,
“you know that in another minute, everyone in the stadium is going to be
crying.” Indeed, the fans had already begun to shed bucket loads of
tears, and the discerning eyes of the television cameras repeatedly
exposed their looks of shock, disbelief, and anguish.<br />
<br />
Brazilian national pride had overtaken our family over the past few
weeks as Brazil steadily advanced its way into the semi-finals. We had
just returned from our family cruise on the Mediterranean, where the
fervor over the World Cup in Europe seemed bigger, more emotional, and
more exciting than we are generally used to in the states. Both boys,
yet Matheus more so, had kept up with Brazil’s progress, and exhibited a
greater sense of personal pride in association with their own cultural
heritage. It was nice to see, as they had become too comfortable over
the years in assimilating their focus onto the American ideal. Or,
rather, they had become too used to exploiting their newer Americanized
selves, thereby keeping a comfortable distance from all that was
negative in their past Brazilian lives.<br />
<br />
Apart from the boys’ own personal interests, this loss was
particularly crushing not only in the context of Brazil’s proud, fabled
history as a soccer giant, but with the controversy regarding the debt
and corruption soiling the country’s social consciousness, Brazil<i> needed</i>
this win. To be so humiliated in their own country only deepened the
nation’s wounds. I had later read that on Brazilian TV, David Luiz, that
frizzy haired, endearingly G-d fearing frontrunner, and team’s acting
captain thanks to Thiago Silva being sidelined for his second yellow
card, broke down in tears when interviewed after the game. “I just
wanted to give some happiness to my people,” David murmured. “To my
people who suffer so much already. Unfortunately we couldn’t do it. I’m
sorry, everyone. Sorry to all Brazilians. I wanted to see my people
smiling.”<br />
<br />
Well, it’s only a game. Or, is it? Not to soccer-crazed Brazil, a
country that truly epitomizes what it means to live and breathe a sport.
And, metaphorically speaking, not to parents who live and breathe in
the raising of their children, whereby the parenting game often rivals
the emotionally charged back-and-forth kicking of a soccer ball.
Parenting any child, albeit especially the older adopted child is not
for the faint of heart. Just when I think I figured out how to maneuver
my way through to something that “works,” it only seems to work the one
time. To stay ahead of the game, I am forever having to enact a new
strategy out there on the field. And, yes, luck does play at least some
part in the triumph of my next move. It’s different with older adopted
children—different from raising children from the start, where they
learn early on the game plan for life as it could be… should be. In
parenting the older adopted child, not unlike soccer, the game plan
seems forever to be shifting, usually to accommodate even the slightest
rumblings of insecurity and/or anxiety that influence their defensive
instincts.<br />
<br />
I adopted my two sons from Brazil at the cusp of 9- and 12-years old,
four years ago now. Perhaps mirroring their native country’s travails, I
had plucked them out from a life of poverty, instability, and
insecurity. So, given their earlier life’s experiences, why would I dare
expect them to trust straightaway, and even now, still, what worked
once for them should work a second time? Eventually, though, “it” does
happen. They begin to trust that the ground beneath their feet won’t
necessarily quiver, crack, or open up and swallow them whole. Yet, even
with a securer worldview, it does seem that they have to sometimes test
my authority that much harder to ensure it stays as such. And, all too
often when I should exercise my authority as their team captain, it
invariably seems to them to be without justifiable merit, without logic
or sensibility, or that it’s just “not fair!” As their “fearless”
leader, I find myself having to pull rank now and again more than I
might be comfortable with. This sometimes leaves me feeling vulnerable
on the inside as I struggle to rally my troops past their sullen,
disagreeable, and/or uncooperative spirits with some semblance of the
right decisions and moves.<br />
<br />
Even when there is the pain of past oversights, missteps, and
misguided self-interests that still are fresh in our memory banks, like
on the soccer field, I always get another turn at this so-called
parenting game. When it’s my turn, I take stock in my next kick of the
ball, whether it’s to buy myself more time in defending against another
opposing behavioral insult, take a shot toward a goal for the win that
puts them in their proper place, or sets up a play that better positions
one of them to save face and make the better decision for proper
behavior. This game of parenting can be exhausting to the say the least,
with foul moves often leaving me feeling dejected, demoralized, and/or
unappreciated… not much different than how David Luiz was likely feeling
about his game performance. It took a 9-year old girl’s simplistic, yet
very meaningful words of encouragement in a letter she wrote to him
after the game that he had posted on his Instagram to put back into
perspective what it’s really all about. “I think that you don’t need to
be sad because you played well and did the best you could,” she wrote.
“You were a great captain.” With a philosophical twist, she added, “Life
is like this, sometimes people lose and sometimes people win but people
only need to be happy. David Luiz, you are my champion.”<br />
<br />
I, too, sometimes find myself getting stopped in my tracks by my own
two number one fans, who often remind me that the parenting game is not
necessarily about winning or losing. Rather, it’s about the effort that
goes into playing the game. Even more important to them is that I do not
give up—they see that I am in the parenting game for keeps, and their
fearless captain is here to stay. It sometimes can become difficult for
me to see the bigger picture after experiencing a parenting setback—that
I’m always out there trying my hardest. I know they understand those
times when I see how they cooperate with me, work together with each
other as dutiful teammates, and use good judgment that parallels my
teachings. There are even times they excuse me for a bad call, and are
trusting and patient enough to allow me to regain my better sense of
judgment. Although a single parent, I am not alone in this parenting
game. We are bonded together as a family, traversing the field of life
as teammates who belong together. That alone is a win-win for all of us.<br />
<br />
Dr. Gary Matloff is a licensed psychologist, and a proud single,
adoptive father to a pair of brothers, now thirteen and sixteen
years-old. He is the author of See You Tomorrow… Reclaiming the Beacon
of Hope— A true story about resilience, and the journey of a lifetime
for this pair of brothers and their new father against the sometimes all
too uncompromising reality of adopting older children and international
adoption.<br />
www.psyched4kids.com<br />
<div class="comments-list" id="comments">
</div>
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-45806228716526155232014-07-15T21:41:00.000-04:002014-09-03T22:28:05.688-04:00Roseanne & the Next Generation... Cultivating Trust for the Older Adopted Child in the New Age of Social Media<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Tn9qyymQdbs/U8XYAL4xvVI/AAAAAAAAARw/kqE7uJFCy-0/s1600/images3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Tn9qyymQdbs/U8XYAL4xvVI/AAAAAAAAARw/kqE7uJFCy-0/s1600/images3.jpg" height="508" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
With
the television on for background noise while I was working at my
computer, I happened to catch an episode of the television show,
Roseanne the other day. It only took a few minutes before I became
completely distracted by the episode’s focus on the unrelenting conflict
between Roseanne’s dumbfounded parent and her fast-emerging teen
daughter, Becky. Roseanne might as well have been a single parent for
this episode, as her husband, Dan, felt compelled to maintain a neutral
position—”Just like Switzerland!” an exasperated Roseanne shouted at
him. In its day, Roseanne frequently was touted for its wit and realism
in the portrayal of the all-too often vexing task of parenting in this
fast paced world we live in. This particular episode’s well-orchestrated
storyline brought the viewer in on a glimpse of the turbulence
surrounding one parent’s difficulties coming to terms with the abrupt
changes that accompany the emerging teen—complete with bad attitudes,
angry retorts, slamming doors, the silent treatment, pulling away from
the parent’s influence, and the push for greater independence… and
privacy.<br />
<br />
One of the more poignant scenes transpired when Roseanne was
conducting a spring cleaning of sorts in Becky’s bedroom, a rather thin
disguise for her ulterior motive: she had hoped to come across any clue
as to what was going on that might be causing her daughter’s unseemly
behavior. The episode hit its climax when Roseanne spotted Becky’s
diary, and had to be convinced it was only right to put it back, unread,
so that she’d protect her daughter’s privacy. However, only after she
had put it back did she find another diary stowed underneath the
mattress. Realizing that the first diary, seen in plain sight was a
decoy, the temptation to crack open the “real” diary was even more so.
This “real” diary surely held the kind of clues that Roseanne thought
would help her best support her daughter. Once again, Roseanne’s sister
convinced her that Becky had her right to privacy, and there were some
things she simply did not need to know.<br />
<br />
Mother and daughter were able to reach a ceasefire after Roseanne
admitted to Becky that she had found her diary, but she had held back
from reading it out of respect for her privacy. Although this initiated
the closure of the episode’s premise, something still did not sit right
with me, and then I inadvertently came across its original broadcast
date: 1989. Twenty-five years ago! Computers were not widely available
and/or utilized as they are now, there was no Internet, and there were
no cell phones. Really, the only source of interface teens had with
their peers, or anybody else outside of school or at live, social
gatherings was the landline phone… at home. It was a completely
different world back then.<br />
<br />
Teens’ issues surrounding their natural push for independence are the
same, and still play out in much the same explosive ways between them
and their parents. Yet, the potential for how others today might
negatively influence the vulnerable teen is overwhelming for even the
more knowledgeable parent to wrestle with. Social media—cell phones,
texting, instant messaging, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, FaceTime… all
compete for the way a teen may immediately gratify their rather
normative need to socialize, and connect with others. Even the most
conscientious parent cannot effectively monitor it all, let alone begin
to impose the most fundamental limits still needed by even the most
grounded teen.<br />
<br />
Although privacy was the overt subject being explored in this
episode, the actual driving force behind the struggle between Roseanne
and Becky was the matter of “trust.” Could Roseanne really trust her
normally sensible, loving daughter to use good judgment, and make
responsible decisions in the face of those ready to harmfully influence
her? Or, can Becky really trust her mother to respect her enough by
“letting go” rather than getting into her business, even if it meant
letting her make mistakes, and still being supportive? For my purposes
as a (single) parent raising a pair of brothers I had adopted from
Brazil when they were older, with the eldest at the threshold of his
teen years at the time, the prospect of “trust” was a sticky,
multi-faceted unknown from the start of our father-son relations. Even
today, four years later, I still find myself at odds, forgetting that
their trust still often needs to be earned in the face of an
unforgiveable past. I have to lean heavily on disciplinary practices
that foster open communication, even if it means forsaking old-fashioned
punishments designed to set limits and reinforce boundaries.<br />
<br />
It did not take long before both my sons had adapted to the
mainstream of the American way of life, with its emphasis on immediate
gratification and self-absorption famously exploited by our teens today.
I watched helplessly as my eldest fast became overtaken by his first
cell phone, and then later fall deeper into the abyss of the “new”
social mainstream with his first iphone. I had set the precedent from
the beginning, and still remind them every so often that it is my right
as a parent to instill boundaries and monitor their social media actions
to ensure they’d remain safe, respectful, and with at least the
semblance of a foothold on reality whenever there was cause for concern.<br />
<br />
Phones remain out of sight during “family time”, and they “park”
their phones at night in my office at bedtime, keeping at bay any
temptation that would disturb their much needed rest. If an inordinate
amount of time should go by during the day, and my eldest hasn’t moved
from his perch, transfixed by the constant shuffling between texting,
games, videos, and his music, he is simply told it’s time to “take a
break.” He puts away the phone for the time being (if he doesn’t want me
to take it away from him, only to get it back at my convenience rather
than his), unless he should be called to answer the odd text. I also might go into their phones and run through whatever texts, pictures,
Facebook rants, etc. that are available, enabling me to ensure their
good judgment, mostly when I have cause for particular concern. Even so, on the surface, I keep to myself most anything
I’d come across, as it would likely be considered only mildly
“inappropriate” by the most sanest of adults, even if it happened to
concern an unflattering comment about me. As such, perhaps as a function
of denial on their part, for the most part, I have still managed to
maintain an acceptable level of discretion between us.<br />
<br />
I am careful not to hound them on whatever tidbits I’d come across
for more than what they are willing to tell me about their personal
social lives on their own. Still, it doesn’t stop me from casually
broaching an issue linked with a particular string of texts that bears
relevance to what normally should be discussed between parent and
child—incognito, of course. Self-respect and respect for others has
tended to underlie much of what I’d emphasize when attempting to use my
information to circumvent potentially acrimonious, very misguided
influences. When that’s not enough, and I should happen upon something
more serious, such as the girl talking about her cutting habits, or the
string of explicit sexting that could have come straight out of a porno
movie, I’d command a more direct, open discussion. Even if I seem to be
doing most of the talking, at the very least, they usually seem
receptive and do listen while I responsibly carry out my parental duty.
It’s a delicate balance, but along the way, the greater has been their
confidence in being treated more as a partner in the making of adaptive
social choices.<br />
<br />
The conclusion of the Roseanne episode was simple, yet oh so fitting
as Roseanne sat down with her daughter to clear the embittered air
between them. “So, here’s my peace offering,” Roseanne proposed as she
handed over the screws to Becky for assistance in putting the bedroom
door back on its hinges; its removal had glaringly symbolized the
breakdown in confidence between them. “You know,” she continued, as she
started to hoist the door back upright from the floor, “I guess I don’t
understand everything you’re going through, but then again I don’t think
you understand everything I’m going through, either. So, I’m giving you
back your door because that’s the way I’d want to be treated… So,
here’s your door.” That final affirmation seemed to shake Becky out of
her dazed disregard for her mother, as she tentatively got up to help
with the door. As they worked together to replace the door on its
hinges, Roseanne continued, “You can keep it closed whenever you want
to. Sometimes, I hope you will open it up and let me in. But no
pressure.” Becky could only stare back at Roseanne, as she apparently
was fighting back tears that would betray the kind of intense
vulnerability teens today still struggle to contend with, and that still
justly commands their parents’ prudence.<br />
<br />
Dr. Gary Matloff is a licensed psychologist, and a proud single,
adoptive father to a pair of brothers, now thirteen and sixteen
years-old. He is the author of See You Tomorrow… Reclaiming the Beacon
of Hope— A true story about resilience, and the journey of a lifetime
for this pair of brothers and their new father against the sometimes all
too uncompromising reality of adopting older children and international
adoption. <br />
<b>www.psyched4kids.com</b><br />
<div class="comments-list" id="comments">
</div>
Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3418445746941573644.post-71906700243186686742014-07-15T21:34:00.001-04:002015-01-01T10:33:22.381-05:00True Testament to the Viability & Necessity of Adopting Older Children<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LAijuWeJ3DA/U8XWfKj8FFI/AAAAAAAAARk/GoZN76SqJGQ/s1600/hard-core.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LAijuWeJ3DA/U8XWfKj8FFI/AAAAAAAAARk/GoZN76SqJGQ/s1600/hard-core.jpg" height="320" width="640" /></a></div>
Adopting a child from another country means learning and becoming their culture with them.<br />
<br />
We adopted our oldest daughter when she was 14 years old. She had
previously been adopted by another American family when she was 13 years
old, but they disrupted their adoption a year later. During that first
year in America, life was very hard on her. She didn’t know any other
adopted children. Her first adoptive family had very little interest in
maintaining her cultural heritage. She felt isolated, frightened, and
alone. We had heard about her situation and began visiting her.<br />
<br />
After a few meetings with her, my husband and I brought her home to
stay the weekend at our house so she could get to know our two sons. Our
sons were older child adoptions as well. They immediately began
bombarding her with questions: “What was your orphanage like?” “Was it
weird at first, coming to America? It was weird for us.” “Did you speak
English before you came? We didn’t” “We didn’t like some American food–
What about you? Were their American foods you didn’t like?”<br />
<br />
Even though our boys were from Kazakhstan, it was clear they all had a
lot in common. You could see the look on her face, a mixture of
surprise and relief. Until meeting our sons, she felt she was the only
child in the world going through what she had been through. She was
amazed at how openly they talked about their adoptions, coming to
America, and their feelings about all of it. She was also amazed to see
how happy they were. Suddenly, she wasn’t so alone in her experiences.
It wasn’t long after that we adopted her and she permanently joined our
family.<br />
<br />
In addition to much-needed therapy after all that she had been
through in her young life, we also began the journey of becoming a
Vietnamese-American family. We know many adoptive families, including
many of our own extended families. Again, she was amazed. We introduced
her to other families that had adopted children from Vietnam.<br />
<br />
I also spent a lot of time researching Vietnamese culture,
traditions, and holidays. We ate at Vietnamese restaurants, and I
ordered a Vietnamese cookbook online. My daughter and I looked through
the cookbook together, and we began making Vietnamese dishes at home. We
found a wonderful Vietnamese market not too far from where we lived. I
searched for an Ao Dai (A traditional Vietnamese dress) but could only
find a pattern to make one. I enlisted a good friend of mine for the
task (my sewing skills leave a lot to be desired!) It turned out
beautifully! We celebrated the Autumn Moon Festival and found Vietnamese
mooncakes (slightly different from the Chinese version) at an Asian
market in the next town. We had so much fun sharing our family’s
cultures.<br />
<br />
During that time she also learned a lot about Kazakhstan, where our
boys are from, as we shared those holidays, dishes, etc., together as a
family. I had been doing some research on the Lunar New Year, called
Tet, celebrations in Vietnam. I read about the traditional New Year dish
called Banh Chung. I read about how generations of women get together
days before the New Year festivals to prepare this dish. The ingredients
are relatively simple, but the preparation is not! It was very
intimidating. I watched YouTube videos and read articles, blogs, and
recipes to make sure I knew what I was doing.<br />
<br />
I mentioned that I was planning to make Banh Chung to a Vietnamese
woman, and she responded by saying something like, “Making it is pretty
hardcore. I order mine from a place out-of-state.” Hardcore. That’s what
she said. It only made me more determined to do this with my daughter.
My daughter was so excited when I told her we’d be making it.<br />
<br />
It took almost three days to prepare this dish and then 7 hours to
boil it. The result is a lovely rice cake with a pork center, wrapped in
a banana leaf. My daughter has Vietnamese friends from school– children
who immigrated to the US with their Vietnamese families, not adopted.
She bragged to them that she and her mother were making Banh Chung. One
of her friends couldn’t believe it. He hadn’t had it since moving to
America.<br />
<br />
The moment of truth arrived. The Banh Chung had been removed from the
water and had spent several hours cooling off. It was time to unwrap
them and see if they turned out. My daughter unwrapped the first one. As
she peeled back the layers of banana leaf, she began to cry. When it
was open, there was our perfect rice cake! She cried and I cried and we
hugged and cried together. It was so much more than a traditional holiday dish. It represented
everything she had been through. She hugged me and said, “Mom, I feel
like I’m still in Vietnam!” She excitedly shared some of it with her
friends at school. It was, of course, the main dish of our big family
Tet feast.<br />
<br />
The change in her over the two years that she’s been in our family is
amazing. She is a happy 16-year-old girl. She tells us that she’s happy
that she gets to be Vietnamese again. After her experience with her
first adoptive family, she thought she had to give up everything about
who she was. In spite of our different nationalities she feels that she
“belongs” in our family. Recently, we celebrated Nauryz, the New Year
celebration from Kazakhstan. As we prepared Besh Barmak, the national
dish of Kaz, my daughter laughed and said, “Today we’re all from
Kazakhstan.” We continued to laugh as we talked about how fun it is to
be in an international family. These experiences remind me that I didn’t
just adopt a daughter from Vietnam; I adopted a Vietnamese daughter. It
is not just where she is from; it is a part of who she is. Her
heritage– to the core.<br />
<br />
Author: <b>Anita Schley</b><br />
http://adoption.com/heritage-hardcore/Dr. Gary Matloffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03429116654232938065noreply@blogger.com0